Amy C Walters

By Amy Walters

They call me Peter, the Rock,
So it may give you a shock
To hear that I haven’t always been so steady.

I used to do what I feel,
You know, keeping it real,
And rush into whatever felt right to me.

I’m still amazed
At those early days
How Jesus dealt with me so patiently.

Then at the Passover feast
He said leaders must be least
And announced that all his disciples would flee.

“Where I go, you can’t follow,”
But his words felt to me hollow
And I brashly insisted, “They may fall, but not me!”

In the garden, Jesus prayed
But I couldn’t stay awake.
The spirit is willing but the body is weak.

Then Judas brought the mob
With anger, my heart throbbed
And I swung my sword blindly and violently!

Jesus went along with them
But I couldn’t comprehend
Why he responded to this scene so calmly.

How could he just go?
Surely, he knows
That they’re going to treat him cruelly!

So I followed at a distance
Giving in to resistance
And worried about what might happen to me.

I entered the courtyard,
My heart pounding hard
And tried to find a place where I wouldn’t be seen.

I could hear Jesus’ trial
But was still in denial
About what this would lead to ultimately.

Then a girl looked at me close
And I know that she knows,
“You also were with that Nazarene.” 

I avoided her glare,
My fear starting to flare
And quickly insisted, “I don’t know what you mean!”

I moved to the gate,
Tried to slow my heart rate
And hoped the other disciple didn’t hear me.

The servant girl persists
And I knew the risks.
So I denied Jesus again, emphatically. 

I could hear Jesus’ torture,
And I knew for sure
That I couldn’t handle that happening to me.

Someone else pointed me out
And said with a shout,
“I saw you in the Garden of Gethsemane!” 

I curse and I swear
“I wasn’t there!
I don’t know the man. It wasn’t me!”

The dreaded rooster crows
My eyes widen and I know
That I’ve followed exactly Jesus’ prophecy. 

I’m washed with disgrace
Try to hide my face
But not before Jesus looked directly at me. 

I went out and wept
As his prediction I kept
Ashamed at my weakness and cursed decree.

How long I was there
I don’t know, I don’t care
I just remember the sky fell dark suddenly.

And I knew it was done.
That I’d lost the one
Who had loved me so deeply in spite of me.

What to do now?
I didn’t know how
To move on with my life now so empty.

So I returned to the room,
Today dark with gloom,
That we had all just filled so recently.

We locked the door in fear
While we fought back the tears
And I wondered deep down what they thought of me.

Did they know what I did
How I shamefully hid
And abandoned my Lord when He needed me?

I recalled what He said,
The words full of dread
That Satan wanted to sift me like wheat.

But then there was more
That I’d missed before:
Jesus had said he would pray for me.

That my faith wouldn’t lack
And when I turned back
I would strengthen these brothers surrounding me.

So I did my best
To comfort the rest
And keep us from giving up completely.

Then morning came
And Mary called my name
She had gone to the tomb but it was empty.

I ran all the way
While I wondered and prayed,
“Once I get there, what on earth will I see?”

I stepped into the tomb
Dreading some doom.
Instead there’s just grave clothes folded neatly.

What did this mean?
I couldn’t process what I’d seen.
Could this defeat somehow lead to victory?

I told all the others
And wondered with the brothers
Where our Lord’s body could possibly be.

Then Jesus appeared
Causing great fear
Was this a ghost here standing in front of me?

He showed his hands and his feet,
Had something to eat,
As our wonder grew and fear started to flee

He was alive!
My hope was revived
This absolutely changes everything!

Still I wondered deep down
If He wanted me around
After I had abandoned him so easily.

So we went for a walk
And started to talk
And He asked me three times, “Do you love me?” 

I was hurt that he asked
But he gave me a task
Saying, “Peter, if you love me, feed my sheep.

“Some day when you’re old
You’ll go where you’re told
And be sent somewhere you don’t want to be.

“And when that day comes
You’ll have strength not to run
Because you’ll have learned what it means to follow me.”

His forgiveness was there
But also made me aware
That the difficulties weren’t only behind me.

I can’t follow my whim
I must only follow him
To avoid getting tossed like a wave on the sea.

True love is to serve
It’s not about nerves
Or puffing out your chest with impressive decrees.

I must choose every day
To put fear away
And follow my Lord exclusively.